Ben Sinister
Ben Sinister is the nicest nine-year-old in the world. You’ve met people that seem as nice as him, but they’re only trying to sell you something or sleep with you, like the rest of us. Ben actually believes there’s goodness in everyone. He believes that Michael Jackson is a responsible babysitter and that those really are Melanie Griffith’s God-given lips. He is the innocence and optimism in all of us. Ben is a blazing ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak world. And here’s the twist. Ben is born into a family of demons that hope to destroy the sun and plunge the world into eternal darkness. These things happen. Ben loves his family and tries spreading joy to them in his own way: he sings. It has been said that ‘music washes the soul of the everyday dust.’ Well, that’s the way Ben feels about singing—especially when he’s singing Journey. “He’s just a small town girl…”
Ben Sinister is the nicest nine-year-old in the world. You’ve met people that seem as nice as him, but they’re only trying to sell you something or sleep with you, like the rest of us. Ben actually believes there’s goodness in everyone. He believes that Michael Jackson is a responsible babysitter and that those really are Melanie Griffith’s God-given lips. He is the innocence and optimism in all of us. Ben is a blazing ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak world. And here’s the twist. Ben is born into a family of demons that hope to destroy the sun and plunge the world into eternal darkness. These things happen. Ben loves his family and tries spreading joy to them in his own way: he sings. It has been said that ‘music washes the soul of the everyday dust.’ Well, that’s the way Ben feels about singing—especially when he’s singing Journey. “He’s just a small town girl…”
Brutus Sinister
Brutus Sinister is perhaps the evilest thing to walk the Earth since Yanni. Well, that’s hyperbole; no one is that evil. Brutus just has every evil thought that you do throughout the day. Only when you think it, something stops you from actually picking up the pencil and giving your enemy an amateur colonoscopy. While you are sheepishly walking away from a confrontation, Brutus would already be laughing, handcuffed in the back of a police car on his way back to juvenile hall. But Brutus isn’t all mean; he does take the time to “play” with his younger brothers. And after “play time,” on the way back from the emergency room, he’ll give his injured brother one of the lollipops that he stole from the doctor’s office. He really can be a sweetheart when he tries. It’s said that you only hurt the ones you love. Well, if that’s true, Brutus loves the world.
Brutus Sinister is perhaps the evilest thing to walk the Earth since Yanni. Well, that’s hyperbole; no one is that evil. Brutus just has every evil thought that you do throughout the day. Only when you think it, something stops you from actually picking up the pencil and giving your enemy an amateur colonoscopy. While you are sheepishly walking away from a confrontation, Brutus would already be laughing, handcuffed in the back of a police car on his way back to juvenile hall. But Brutus isn’t all mean; he does take the time to “play” with his younger brothers. And after “play time,” on the way back from the emergency room, he’ll give his injured brother one of the lollipops that he stole from the doctor’s office. He really can be a sweetheart when he tries. It’s said that you only hurt the ones you love. Well, if that’s true, Brutus loves the world.
Jude Sinister
Judas Sinister is probably the most balanced person in the Sinister family. He’s smart enough to know that if Ben smiles at you, he’s gonna start singing. He’s smart enough to know that if Brutus smiles at you, you’d better find a hiding place. And he knows that the real trick is to get them to smile at each other. He’s always thinking, that little one. No one really knows what he’s up to… and that’s how he likes it.
Sometimes the baby of the family picks up all the best traits from the other family members. Well, that’s true for Jude. He schemes as well as Mrs. Sinister, has Brutus’ common sense, has Mr. Sinister’s patience, and when he finds a use for Ben, he’ll adopt that as well. Jude will grow up to be the most successful Sinister ever… if Brutus lets him live that long.
Judas Sinister is probably the most balanced person in the Sinister family. He’s smart enough to know that if Ben smiles at you, he’s gonna start singing. He’s smart enough to know that if Brutus smiles at you, you’d better find a hiding place. And he knows that the real trick is to get them to smile at each other. He’s always thinking, that little one. No one really knows what he’s up to… and that’s how he likes it.
Sometimes the baby of the family picks up all the best traits from the other family members. Well, that’s true for Jude. He schemes as well as Mrs. Sinister, has Brutus’ common sense, has Mr. Sinister’s patience, and when he finds a use for Ben, he’ll adopt that as well. Jude will grow up to be the most successful Sinister ever… if Brutus lets him live that long.
Mr. Sinister
You think your work is hell, well, for Mr. Sinister, it really is. He holds a middle management job in Hell, which means that the paperwork never ends, the computer never works, there’s no lunch break, there’s no vacation, there’re no sick days, and when you’re finally lucky enough to die and leave that horrible sweatshop life… you end up right back in Hell. It sounds like a horrible deal but it’s better than staying at home with those kids. Mr. Sinister finds his joy in the little things in life: like taking Ben to work with him. (It’s the only time Ben isn’t smiling. Those moments are priceless). His ultimate goal in life is to support his wife in her bid to take over the world because she’s the brains in the family and she is meant to succeed someday. And because, once she rules the world, there’s a chance she might divorce him.
You think your work is hell, well, for Mr. Sinister, it really is. He holds a middle management job in Hell, which means that the paperwork never ends, the computer never works, there’s no lunch break, there’s no vacation, there’re no sick days, and when you’re finally lucky enough to die and leave that horrible sweatshop life… you end up right back in Hell. It sounds like a horrible deal but it’s better than staying at home with those kids. Mr. Sinister finds his joy in the little things in life: like taking Ben to work with him. (It’s the only time Ben isn’t smiling. Those moments are priceless). His ultimate goal in life is to support his wife in her bid to take over the world because she’s the brains in the family and she is meant to succeed someday. And because, once she rules the world, there’s a chance she might divorce him.
Mrs. Sinister is the most loving, caring mother in the whole world…. when she has a martini glass in her hand. It’s when she doesn’t that suddenly the kids are untamable monsters, that her husband doesn’t do enough around the house, and that the world in general isn’t fair to her. You see, Mrs. Sinister gave up a promising career as a dictator to a Third World country so that she could stay at home and take care of her kids. That was a huge sacrifice for her and every day there is a little part of her that still wishes she was back there dictating. Instead, she lives the life of a suburban mother, relegated to confiding in and gossiping with her neighbor, Lois. (Lois is the very definition of mediocrity, but you take what you can get in the suburbs.) Mrs. Sinister lives for those moments when the kids are out of her hair and she can work on plans for world domination. It’s not every mother who can make a doomsday device that could send the earth spinning off its axis. They really don’t appreciate her enough, do they? But they will, oh, they will.